Previous Years

I think about college sometimes. The doors I used to have and my boyfriend at the time. He tends to be a subject that’s hard to touch. But the older I get the more and more I seem to confront, properly, situations of my past. I was asked to marry someone at the age of eighteen. I had a miscarriage my junior year of high school and you know, it wasn’t until seven years later that I realized what had really happened. So, it’s funny when I listen to a song, and I remember him and his smile and his green eyes. I loved him because he was bright, truly in every sense that the word can covey. We met our freshman year of college and I think I was captivated immediately. We didn't date the year that we had met and after those first few months of our freshman year he moved back home due to poor grades and a cheaper tuition. He ended coming back to college after another year had passed and that was it for me. We began dating soon after.

His dad was in the military, a captain of ships, and his mom was a classic, put-together Hispanic lady, so you could only imagine how I felt meeting them when I went to visit for the first time. I rememeber driving down the road to El Paso and hitting the last leg of the drive, a snake of a path, falt for miles but with mountains that looked like giants from afar and in the dark. I never asked if they particularly liked me but to be fair I think they disapproved.

He was smart and funny and handsome and when I use perfect to describe his smile, I don’t even mean it in a sense of romance or of love- I meant it as he literally had perfect teeth and I can’t recall if that was a byproduct of braces or not. After all it’s been so long. He was like someone that I had never met before in a sense that he was himself. He liked himself but not in a cocky way. Anyways, It’s safe to say that relationship ended mostly because of me. To be fair I don’t think I liked myself that much when I was turning nineteen. I do think, however, I started learning how to after. Turns out, being with someone you wish you were doesn’t vicariously make you like yourself any more than any less.

Song of the Week: Back to Friends x Sombr