From before and from beyond

I think I like writing because it allows you to slow down. Not just yourself but everything around you. Once things begin to slow down, your mind has enough space to think. Thinking is one of my favorite things to do. When thinking, the only boundaries you have are those that you set for yourself.

Im not sure what I believe in, but I am sure you noticed my interest in religion or spirituality or consciousness. I am driven to see for my own eyes and experience first hand. I believe that is why I obsess over psychedelics, which I love due to the experiences that I have had. Experiences that rip me perfectly out of this reality. I began to get afraid that I may be chasing something that has no end.

I dont know how I would ever be able to describe this. I would do the best I can in the boring language of modern day. If only I could use another language that means everything in the most purist form. 

I am not sure if I believe in a person who is "destined" for another, I wish it was true, but I dont think it is. What I believe is there is a person who you are willing to give into and adapt/morph for. A person who you are willing to make hard choices with and learn with and help grow. I feel that I have found, that inside you. Although we have uneasy arguments, and acts of being rude, and strong beliefs that may collide, I experience with you. You take me to a place beyond reality.

At times I can look at you and times slows, as it does when I am thinking, although this time I am not thinking, I am completely feeling. My body feels something beyond my control. This feeling I have only had during trips. The feeling I was afraid was not achievable in other ways. This feeling isnt describable, this feeling has no word or sign, this feeling is beyond me and us. You make me believe in love. This feeling is worth working for. This feeling is my sign. 

I am truly sorry we have our issues at this point, I feel as though they were bound. To have one extreme, there will be an equal opposing force. I am sorry for my petty remarks, and judgmental views. I am sorry I cannot trust so soon although I can love instantly. You mean an indescribable amount to me and within such short time have shown me so much. I thank you for that. If this is our ending, I understand. You will always have a tickle in my mind of hope for experiencing such emotions in this beautiful life. I will always love the time spent together. 

p.s. I have never torn a page from this book. I did this so I can look back at the tares and remember that there is something capable of releasing me.

Every so often I am caught of guard by a piano's melody or by the words I read, and I begin a process where my soul leaves my body and I look around and am scared that I've forgotten the meaning. But as I begin to cry, I am reminded that this is emotion, the one thing I yearn for in life. It's true I've come to terms over and over and again and again that I will never know the meaning of my life, but I do know that I want to continue with the feeling of love. That's the only feeling worth it, I think. L'amour l'apres-midi, Lights Are On, There’s a Bluebird in my Heart- I will continue to find things that make me feel the way this does. 

Song of the Week: Pusher x Alt-J