A small snippet of before

I think about the past a lot. The years spent at university and my boyfriend at the time. He tends to be a subject that’s hard to touch. But the older I get the more and more I seem to confront, properly, situations of my past. I was asked to marry someone at the age of eighteen. I had a miscarriage my junior year of high school and you know, it wasn’t until seven years later that I realized what had really happened. So, it’s funny when I listen to a song, and I remember him and his smile and his green eyes. I loved him because he was bright, in any sense that the word can covey. We met our freshman year of college and I think I was captivated immediately. We didn't date the year that we had met as after the first semester he moved back home due to poor grades and a cheaper tuition. The following year he was back and from there it was game over for me.

His dad was in the military, a captain of ships, and his mom was a classic, put-together Hispanic lady so you could only imagine how intimidated I felt meeting them for the first time when I went to go visit. I never asked if they particularly liked me but to be fair I think they disapproved.

He was smart and funny and handsome. And when I use perfect to describe his smile, I don’t even mean it in a sense of romance or of love, I meant it as he literally had perfect teeth and I can’t recall if that was a byproduct of braces or not. After all it’s been so long. He was like someone that I had never met before in a sense that he was himself. He liked himself but not in a cocky way. Anyways, It’s safe to say that relationship ended mostly because of me. To be fair I don’t think I liked myself that much when I was turning nineteen. I do think however i started learning how to after. Turns out, being with someone you wish you were doesn’t vicariously make you like yourself any more than any less.

Song of the week: Smile Like You Mean It x The Killers